One More Facet (1/30/06)

Oddly enough, when you stop seeing someone, you learn about one more facet.

I learned this early on in my post-separation dating with one woman. She had had nothing but very bad experiences with men throughout her life and occasionally mentioned that I was the first person to treat her decently, the first person she could let her guard down with. She was easily freaked out, jealous, constantly trying to change who she was to suit who she thought I wanted her to be, and there reached a point where I saw that she was truly not who I was looking for, not who I wanted to be dating. When I broke up with her, I was polite, careful, and caring... light... but she was beyond emotional and dramatic, and I know emotional and dramatic! "I'll never date another man" was the essence of what she said, but you can imagine. I had to revise my intention to remain friends. I checked in on her a month later, and she had put her guard (or should I say the Berlin wall!) back up.

When I stop seeing someone that I cared about, I am somewhat morose, the depth and length of which depend on the depth of the connection I had with that person. Amusingly enough, the emotions that hit afterward are unexpected. I can't quite predict how I'll feel, or at least I've failed to. I'm getting better with each iteration, though. Or is it just because this iteration is after a shallower relationship? I don't know.

But the breakup itself tells you who you were dealing with. How secure are they as a person. (Also how secure you are as a person, if you are willing to look at yourself). You never quite know who you can be post-relationship friends with until it's over.

Statement (1/30/06)

I am a freak, not a weirdo. I do things differently than "normal" people intentionally, and with apathy aforethought.

The Search Begins Anew...(1/29/06)

Ok, so let's review.

There are women out there who are:
- Smart.
- Intelligent.
- Sexy.
- Fun to be with.
- Good-hearted.

But.

So far it seems that *life* itself is my greatest enemy. Which I kinda figured out before I even separated. It was one of my greatest fears, in fact, that there wouldn't be anyone out there to meet.

Ok, first of all, I wasn't exactly right.

There are women you can meet. That you'll like.

YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP THEM!!!!!

AAARRRRGH!!!!!!!!



A sad moment just now as I reduce my MSN Messenger list by one. And I'm not sure about whether to add "D" back in or not, for the chance at an occasional chat, or if this is one of those moments I should be ripping the band-aid off instead of pulling slowly. Knowing me, it makes no difference.

I've had a range of relationships ... in terms of time, depth, personality mesh, guardedness, connectedness...

Time doesn't matter. As long as there's enough time to get to know someone. All the time in the world with the wrong person doesn't make them right. I learned this in post-separation relationship #2.

Sex doesn't matter. You can have sex with someone, and it doesn't change the meaning of the relationship. Sex is a reflection of the state of the relationship.

Guardedness slows things town and prevents or damages connectedness, but it isn't an insurmountable obstacle.

Personality mesh and connectedness. That's what matters.

And if I get over a threshold of connectedness with someone, they stick with me in my head even when LIFE kills the relationship.

So to rip off the band-aid or not.... makes it no easier on me.

Reciprocation (1/22/06)

...the lack of which leads to withdrawal.

What shall be, shall be.

The well is deep, water is plentiful. Not every taste is sweet, not every taste is the same. It is time to return to the well.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice

Are You Who You Think You Are? (1/22/06)

Are You Who You Think You Are?
The mundane and the profound. Ok, profundity is relative too...

As I was making the mega-omelette this morning, a combination of 4 eggs, 2 cheeses, onions, mushrooms, I was pondering the question of whether anybody actually knows who they really are. Self-image is powerful and entirely false.

You can see it just by looking at some blogs, you see it in the people you know, and if you look at the mirror from the edge instead of head on, you see it in you.

An anarchist who believes in marriage.
A rebellious goth girl who lives in tameness.
A busy family-oriented mom who wastes the day chatting and taking quizzes.
And me, societal critic living off of the structure of capitalism, feeling I'm shy but always told that I'm not, and... struggling to find a current definition of myself.

So much of my self-image is based on who I was or who I planned to be that I almost don't know who I am. That's sounds much more serious than it is, though, because the closest definition I've got is that I'm a "work in progress". Sometimes I think that I must be who others see me to be, that the reflection is somehow more accurate than the internal view. Really, neither is accurate. I know what I feel inside, I know how I intend to be, I see my actions in retrospect, and other see only parts of the actions. No one sees everything I do except me, and I see it subjectively.So what does self-image matter?

I guess it's what makes us happy or not, makes us do what we do.

I fought against the self-image of shyness, and that fight redefined who I am. I fought against my rampant paranoia, and that redefined who I am. Although I still feel shy and paranoid at times, it's much less often, and it hardly ever determines what I do. Probably to the point where I am unusual in this society of fear. Unfortunately not to the point where I am unaffected by a society of fear.

The Dark Side
Trust is incredibly dear to me. The number of people I can trust, who have never ever ever betrayed that trust is infinitesimal.

I've countered my long term paranoia and shyness by being as utterly open as opportunity permits. I haven't really been burned yet by doing so, but it is still a struggle sometimes, especially when I'm perceiving someone as a game player.

Games lead to unhappiness, a lack of trust, the fatal deterioration of a relationship.

On the other hand, I am paranoid.

So, I want to be able to say that I will follow my rules, and be open, and trusting, until given a concrete (not implied) reason not to be. But it is so hard. A lifetime of Pavlovian training makes me cling to suspicion. Which kills the opening. Which makes *me* the one killing the relationship. Which is not following the new rules.

Aargh!

Still, I want to hold myself accountable, and hold myself to the positive aspects of my self-image.

Divorcee's Unite! (1/22/06)

Everyone sees your life through the lense that is their own life.

The expectation is that your separation or divorce or whatever will be similar to someone else's. But there is at the very least variation, and sometimes, sometimes, a life can be unique. I don't hate my ex and spew vile about her constantly. Some people cannot seem to imagine it, and try to draw me into conversations with comments in the middle of their venting that end with "and you know what that's like". Yes, sometimes I need to vent, too, and sometimes there are issues.

But my separation is like my marriage was, only without as much of the negative. Just my experience, possibly no one else's.

Work Ethic (1/20/06)

Someone said to me today, "I was beginning to wonder if you ever worked."

Oddly enough, it is my intensely strong work ethic that makes me happy to work as little as I do.

When I was working 9 to 5 (technically 8:30 to sometime in the evening), it bothered me to take breaks, to have to stop to chat, to do anything other than work. I didn't like that I was getting paid for doing "nothing".

Now, I only get paid for precisely the amount of time I work. It makes me much happier overall, and I feel ok (well, sometimes) when I'm not working.

Honesty... (1/20/06)

....is an aphrodisiac.

Purposeful or co-incidence (1/18/06)

Blogs. One of the nifty features is that "Next Blog" button that will randomly plop you down on someone else's blog at random.

I don't tell many people that I have this blog; in fact there are only two people who know me that know it exists. As it is I have to occasionally wrestle with myself and stay true to the goal that this be an uncensored diary whenever I have the time and inclination to add to it.

How will someone take this or that comment that I make? I don't know, but what it really comes down to is that I am who I am, and I think what I think. My shortcomings are on display for everyone to see; judge if you will, but I believe you reveal yourself in how you judge others just as much as if you were candid.

I am, as the blog address indicates if you are observant reader, no-deist, a-thiest. It is interesting to me to see that two of my blog's visitors today were referred here, through the magic of the Next Blog button, from believers' blogs (http://lavonnebruckner.blogspot.com and http://savedbyhisgracealone.blogspot.com). One speaks of sharing the bible with others rather than shoving it in their face, while the other speaks of being persecuted and considered crazy for believing in jesus christ.

Sharing is indeed better than shoving, although I know that in their eyes something must be done to save the unsaved, so I wonder how far that patience would go in the face of a non-believer. And the other blog reminds me that persecution is something I'm familiar with, from the other direction, from believers to this non-believer. Although no-deism is my core belief I would be hesitant to share it with anyone in a country that is pre-dominately deist.

So on the topic of judging others, and what that reveals...

How do I judge thee?

Well, I judge thee on the basis of tolerance. If you can tolerate the likes of me, I can tolerate the likes of you. But, who goes first? Which of us tolerates the other first?

So... an interesting random convergence of spirtual contradiction leads to this train of thought... but I grow tired, and it all ceases to make any sense to me... shall we say, "to be continued"?

God is trying to convert me (1/19/06)
Seriously man, why is every referrer to my page a religious site. Mind you, this one's kinda cool ... http://cafeapocalypsis.blogspot.com.

The Trampoline (1/17/06)

Part 1... Holy...
Ok, epiphany time again!

I could not go to sleep last night (big shock, eh?) because my shoulder and neck muscles were sore, and it took me until now to figure out why.

I've been working on putting together this little mini-trampoline for awhile now. Ok, days. I got 8 out of 48 springs on, and the tension was such that I couldn't stretch anything to get even one more on. Then (a day later) I had the brainy idea of using a tie-down, which you would normally use to strap luggage onto the roof of your car (or van). So I bought one. And even though it was not the right size and didn't work half as well as I thought, I managed to get more springs on by wrapping the thing around my back, putting my feet on the far side of the bottom of the trampoline (because it would tip if I did otherwise), and using my entire body to pull that sucker into place. Ok, so I mangled a finger in the process. Ok, so I still have 8 or 10 springs to attach. It was *progress*!!!!

But as I went to finish the job tonight, I noted that the exact muscles I was trying to use were the ones that had kept me up. Still sore.... but at least I'm getting exercise!

Part 2... Tool
Second last spring.... whew! This is sure hard.... I wonder if there was just some clever way of using this tool that came with it to put the springs on more easily.... Underhand, eh? Let's twist it around this way now (snap!). Hey, that was sure easy. Guess I'll put the last spring on now.... (snap!).... hmmm... that was easy too.... I wonder if the whole trampoline would have gone together more easily if I had done that before. Aaaarrggh!

Part 3...Enjoy the Silence
"Note: It will take two people to assemble your mini-trampoline."

Oh.

And it's not even really big enough for one person to use.

Why did I buy this again?

Surface (1/15/06)

How is it that you're never aware of the point in time where a person in your life passes from someone you only see the exterior of, to someone you connect with the interior of?

Aftermath (1/14/06)

So, the perfect date has come and gone. ;-)

Arguments (1/13/06)

Why is it impossible to really make your children understand life's most important lessons?

Tonight I went to bed early, leaving instructions that my sons go to bed at a reasonable, yet late enough hour. I was awoken to them arguing in a way that is all too predictable. It was a half hour past the appointed time, not a huge issue in itself. My eldest was trying to get my youngest to get into bed, turn off the lights, let him go to sleep, and let me sleep. My youngest was trying to stay up and read for a few minutes before going to sleep. If they could have both let it go, perhaps close a door to resolve the deadlock for the few minutes in question, all would have been fine. But instead, they awoke the lion who roared (me!).

My eldest takes things personally, much beyond what is his responsibility or his to control. He apologizes for things that are not his fault. He is responsible, caring, helpful, smart, conscientious. But, as I was shaped by my stepfather into a life of unnecessary guilt, he also has the weight of the world on his shoulders. No matter how many times, how many ways I explain the basic rules of life in this regard to him, be continues to bear this weight. It saddens me.

My youngest is a whip smart rebel, easily fascinated and bored, uninterested in room tidyness, eternally curious and persecuted. He cares about people as much as his brother does, but bears the curse of being the youngest, bottom of the ladder, never in charge. It's harder to explain the basic rules of life that would help him, but I try to make my suggestions just as plentiful as with his brother.

Let it go. Worry about nothing more than what you do or do not do. Just do your part. There's no need to argue about what each other does or does not do.

The Results Are In...(1/10/06)

...from the doctor, and it's a post-concussion headache that may last weeks. Lovely.

Atypical (1/8/06)

Atypical. And I like being that way.

Tonight the boys went over to their mother's a bit early, and my ex's beau came over with the van and took a load of stuff for the boys (yes, there was too much to fit in my car!). I also took over my eldest's new computer that I had set up for him, and installed it. Then we all had supper and part of a movie together. I would not imagine there are too many people in our situation that manage that in the atmosphere that it was.

As time goes by it all becomes easier. Moving past the emotional section on to the payoff of the decision made to separate so that the four of us in our family could have a better, happier life. And in general (yes, there are still bad days!) that is the case for all of us, and another good thing, for at least some of the people who are now coming into our lives, again only because of that decision.

Replacement Value (1/6/06)

I just got off the phone with my ex's boyfriend, arranging to have my eldest's computer brought over when they drop the boys off today. It's an older system, can't play Age of Empires III on it, so I'm going to trade them for the newer one he has here, then work on rebuilding it in my own home rather than having to go over there once in awhile.

He mentioned that they had had a good trip to Swift Current to see my ex's other sister (not the one from Saskatoon mentioned heretofore), and one other item. They had picked up a DVD system for van, which the boys watched on the way back.

This triggered an interesting memory for me.

Back in 1989 I left the band Tazmania, and when I next saw them perform with a replacement bass player, they included the song Innocence, by Harlequin. Although I enjoyed the song briefly when it first came out, I was already quick sick of it by '89, so as second in command of the band I had held out against playing it. So, first thing that happens after I leave? They start playing it.

A long time I decided that my boys' vacations would be similar to my own growing up: an opportunity to see the world as you drive through. As a result, as second in command of the marriage, I had held out against buying a DVD player for the van. So, first things that happens after I leave? Somebody buys a player, brings a DVD, and they start playing it.

Blog it all! (1/4/06)

I don't really have time for this, but so much needs to be blogged here....

I'm missing having my boys this week; did have a good chat on the phone with my youngest this morning though.

Oh, the artificial constructs in my head that are obstacles: How do you ask a question of someone you can't contact except by e-mail, and it's not the kind of question you want to ask by e-mail? I suppose you wait patiently. Or blog it. :-)

So today I have a sore neck, a headache, many outstanding computer issues, people depending on me to get some work done that is already overdue, no spare time, girl questions, and yet... it's a beautiful day out. Calm, frost-covered trees, white sky, a little chilly getting the paper in my boxers this morning... beautiful. And I'm smiling.

So what the hell, let's get to it, shall we?