Thought for the Day

While the boys are unexpectedly away enjoying their dog, I'm buried under work. It's the nature of this work that I can go quite some time without anything to do, then bang, everybody wants something done at the same time. So. Here I am working on a Sunday.

But, here's my thought for the day. You didn't think I would stop thinking just because I'm working, did you? *grin*

"Seeing is forgetting the name of the thing one sees."

To understand someone is to go beyond labels

Crash

Just finished watching Crash. As is probably the screenwriter's intention, I'm taking stock of myself. Not so much about the particular facet of myself that is racism as I already know the inherent racism that is trying too hard not be racist. :-) More about how my ex and I get along, which is continuing to be fairly well. Yes, she still irks me from time to time (like telling me an unnecessary lie at the windup*), but all in all we still are positive to, and (!) supportive of, each other.

* Sure you got them free, that's why he just said that he charged you for them and you've got your Visa card out... who cares? Yes, we fought about the issue when we were married. I never understood why even lie in the first place... it's not like the magic fairy was going to erase that line on the credit card statement. :-) But now, if you want to be generous, it's not my problem, because I'm not responsible for trying to balance things any more. **

** To be fair, I also find myself reacting to our old issues sometimes, like, don't look at my MP3 player because I don't want to feel guilty that I bought it.

On Drugs (2/14/06)

A few days ago I saw the latest Pink video, "Stupid Girls". I applauded (not literally, of course) her attempt to skewer the glorifying media images of Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, et al, but it occurred to me that there was a certain irony, since in every non-scripted Pink appearance I've seen she has been, shall we say, somewhat inebriated. And then there was her wardrobe in Transporter 2. Still, I wish the song was a bit stronger in terms of quality; it doesn't hurt to rail against negative examples and the more the better.

Speaking of alcohol and self-revelation... I'm a non-drinker by choice. I've had fewer alcoholic drinks than I am years old, gone as long as 3 years without a drink, had one in the last year. I've also never tried any form of illegal drugs, and minimize my use of prescriptions or over-the-counter drugs. The only cigarette in my mouth was when I was a kid and my mother demonstrated for me once (at a Pats game I think) how undesirable it was by letting me take a puff. But by the same token, I criticize a legal system that allows widespread use of damaging substances such as cigarettes and alcohol, yet outlaws the somewhat less harmful (according to studies and my own personal observations*) mary-ja-wanna. It all makes sense, though, if you go into the economics that shaped things.

Which reminds me of the book Freakonomics, which posits among other things, the legalization of abortion in the U.S. in the 1970s led to the drop in crime rates in the 1990s. Not something that will ever be trumpeted. But it saddens me to think that there are probably a million problems we could be solving if we weren't trapped by the rules of life we've been taught, the prejudices pushed upon us, the common sense we assume but never apply critical thinking to.

What could we achieve if we rejected, as a society, false media imagery, and false beliefs. But, of course, how can we ever truly know what is true, and what is false, even with direct observation?

* Worst pothead experience: being stuck in a vehicle with a lead singer, high as a kite and driving on the wrong side of the road in a winter storm returning from Flin Flon, Saskatchewan. Note that I didn't say harmless!

Back to dating

This has been a very different week for me, dating-wise. After discovering that I was getting too wrapped up last month with someone that in retrospect was not an ideal match, I made some changes (restorations, really) in how I approached dating.

Originally I was exploring the dating world. Just seeing who was out there. That worked ok. I had a range of experiences from the one-off-not-interested to the we-are-two-souls-of-a-kind. At most I talked to two people at a time, and never more than one if the one was someone I was really interested in. After a couple of rocky starts that worried me (pre-online dating included a "rescue me" situation and a clingy "all men abuse me" situation), everything went quite quickly, and generally went well, no matter which end of the spectrum the relationship was on.

Having two startlingly different we-are-two-souls-of-a-kind relationships back to back combined with it being the Christmas season threw me off track, however. I've already discussed the importance of not ignoring what emotional space you are in when you decide to start a relationship of any kind. But one thing that occurs to me now is that perhaps I got spoiled, and started expecting deep and meaningful even where it couldn't exist.

So... changes. I am back to the exploration, the exploring mode. This week it helped greatly to find a new way to contact people, and to be in contact with 3 (yes, three) new people.

Last night I went on a date with one of these women. I'm having some difficulty at the moment trying to recall precisely why I sent her a message originally... which I guess tells you how well the date went. :-)

Nice enough woman, again involved in education (that's my dating theme apparently). Some idiosyncracies that I think were caused by nervousness that started to drove me nuts within 60 seconds of meeting her. No chemisty between us, at least none that I felt. Just an adult conversation, a so-so movie, some somewhat gross food, more conversation, and an end to the evening. Tepid. A one off date for lack of future interest. No regrets; if nothing else at least it brings me back to the more casual state of dating.

So, that leaves 2 other women.

One of them may conceivably read this (let's pretend not), as I was impulsive (foolish?) this week and threw my blog address at her in a chat... in (let's be charitable here) a misguided, sad, last ditch attempt to save my self-esteem. :-)

That chat threw some cold, cold water on what was a very promising, very exciting conversation. She does seem like someone I'd like to continue to get to know, and perhaps it is still possible to revive things through another medium, one where the inflection in our voice or the expression on our face is available. We did agree that it is too easy to misinterpret the written word without enough context. Will another opportunity occur? One can hope.

So, if I've indeed messed things up where I wish I hadn't (been there, done that), that still leaves 1 of 3. Good thing I broke my rule about never chatting with more than 2 women at a time. The chats with her are few and far between, however, and I still know very little about her. It's very hard to say much at this point. Might be quickly trailing off into nothing.

Seems that either some unexpected good fortune will need to come my way, or perhaps the exploration will need to be directed to new lands.

Still, it's nice to be out of the rut, out of fixation mode, and back to having hope.

Post-script
Ironic that the tepid date leads to hope while the great date last month led to despair.

The Rules (2/8/06)

Here are my rules, at least the ones I can remember at the moment:

Caution, not fear.

Be honest and open.
(a) Emotionally open
(b) Answer any question honestly and completely
(c) No matter what the perceived cost

The past is the past.
(a) It can't be changed
(b) It's not always relevant

There is always hope.
(a) Even when you're alone
(b) Even when you feel rejected

Ask yourself if it will matter 100 years from now.

Redemption, Part One (2/5/06)

I started out life as an idealistic feminist, a boy raised by his mother alone, then raised by both his caring mother and somewhat awful stepfather, then a witness to a suicide, then after it was after a point of being impressionable because I was an adult living at home, a caring mother and a good but distant man. I guess I'm saying that I was malleable up until I was 17 at the most, so it was a childhood of generally positive female role models and a handful of (ok, one) positive male role models.

I was socially aware. Fought actively against bigotry, racism, misogyny, and meanness.

On the negative side, I battled low self-esteem, depression, and loneliness.

Then I got married. I was no longer lonely, usually, but I acted more like the negative male role models of my childhood than the social activist I started out to be. This did little for my self-esteem and depression.

I could never really reconcile my beliefs and my actions. This, and many other factors, caused me to become a hermit. To this day, I can count the number of close friends I have on one hand. Friends that I talk to at least once a year, two hands.

One day I decided to be living again.

One part of that decision was to live and act according to my beliefs, not my examples.

And for the most part, I've been on a path of redemption.

If I have made a difference in people's lives, and I'm not claiming I'm magically giving hope to everyone I meet, it has been a positive difference. Until now, at least. But I have to look at my handling of this last relationship as a temporary setback, and get back to the fight to be me, and be true to what I believe in.

Back to redemption.