Are You Who You Think You Are? (1/22/06)
Are You Who You Think You Are?
The mundane and the profound. Ok, profundity is relative too...
As I was making the mega-omelette this morning, a combination of 4 eggs, 2 cheeses, onions, mushrooms, I was pondering the question of whether anybody actually knows who they really are. Self-image is powerful and entirely false.
You can see it just by looking at some blogs, you see it in the people you know, and if you look at the mirror from the edge instead of head on, you see it in you.
An anarchist who believes in marriage.
A rebellious goth girl who lives in tameness.
A busy family-oriented mom who wastes the day chatting and taking quizzes.
And me, societal critic living off of the structure of capitalism, feeling I'm shy but always told that I'm not, and... struggling to find a current definition of myself.
So much of my self-image is based on who I was or who I planned to be that I almost don't know who I am. That's sounds much more serious than it is, though, because the closest definition I've got is that I'm a "work in progress". Sometimes I think that I must be who others see me to be, that the reflection is somehow more accurate than the internal view. Really, neither is accurate. I know what I feel inside, I know how I intend to be, I see my actions in retrospect, and other see only parts of the actions. No one sees everything I do except me, and I see it subjectively.So what does self-image matter?
I guess it's what makes us happy or not, makes us do what we do.
I fought against the self-image of shyness, and that fight redefined who I am. I fought against my rampant paranoia, and that redefined who I am. Although I still feel shy and paranoid at times, it's much less often, and it hardly ever determines what I do. Probably to the point where I am unusual in this society of fear. Unfortunately not to the point where I am unaffected by a society of fear.
The Dark Side
Trust is incredibly dear to me. The number of people I can trust, who have never ever ever betrayed that trust is infinitesimal.
I've countered my long term paranoia and shyness by being as utterly open as opportunity permits. I haven't really been burned yet by doing so, but it is still a struggle sometimes, especially when I'm perceiving someone as a game player.
Games lead to unhappiness, a lack of trust, the fatal deterioration of a relationship.
On the other hand, I am paranoid.
So, I want to be able to say that I will follow my rules, and be open, and trusting, until given a concrete (not implied) reason not to be. But it is so hard. A lifetime of Pavlovian training makes me cling to suspicion. Which kills the opening. Which makes *me* the one killing the relationship. Which is not following the new rules.
Aargh!
Still, I want to hold myself accountable, and hold myself to the positive aspects of my self-image.
The mundane and the profound. Ok, profundity is relative too...
As I was making the mega-omelette this morning, a combination of 4 eggs, 2 cheeses, onions, mushrooms, I was pondering the question of whether anybody actually knows who they really are. Self-image is powerful and entirely false.
You can see it just by looking at some blogs, you see it in the people you know, and if you look at the mirror from the edge instead of head on, you see it in you.
An anarchist who believes in marriage.
A rebellious goth girl who lives in tameness.
A busy family-oriented mom who wastes the day chatting and taking quizzes.
And me, societal critic living off of the structure of capitalism, feeling I'm shy but always told that I'm not, and... struggling to find a current definition of myself.
So much of my self-image is based on who I was or who I planned to be that I almost don't know who I am. That's sounds much more serious than it is, though, because the closest definition I've got is that I'm a "work in progress". Sometimes I think that I must be who others see me to be, that the reflection is somehow more accurate than the internal view. Really, neither is accurate. I know what I feel inside, I know how I intend to be, I see my actions in retrospect, and other see only parts of the actions. No one sees everything I do except me, and I see it subjectively.So what does self-image matter?
I guess it's what makes us happy or not, makes us do what we do.
I fought against the self-image of shyness, and that fight redefined who I am. I fought against my rampant paranoia, and that redefined who I am. Although I still feel shy and paranoid at times, it's much less often, and it hardly ever determines what I do. Probably to the point where I am unusual in this society of fear. Unfortunately not to the point where I am unaffected by a society of fear.
The Dark Side
Trust is incredibly dear to me. The number of people I can trust, who have never ever ever betrayed that trust is infinitesimal.
I've countered my long term paranoia and shyness by being as utterly open as opportunity permits. I haven't really been burned yet by doing so, but it is still a struggle sometimes, especially when I'm perceiving someone as a game player.
Games lead to unhappiness, a lack of trust, the fatal deterioration of a relationship.
On the other hand, I am paranoid.
So, I want to be able to say that I will follow my rules, and be open, and trusting, until given a concrete (not implied) reason not to be. But it is so hard. A lifetime of Pavlovian training makes me cling to suspicion. Which kills the opening. Which makes *me* the one killing the relationship. Which is not following the new rules.
Aargh!
Still, I want to hold myself accountable, and hold myself to the positive aspects of my self-image.
posted by v @ 9:02 AM
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