Nothing to see here folks, move along...

Loose

2010-12-03T11:21:00.001-06:00

After a month of being electronically monogamous, I have once again started responding to messages, and even making first contacts.

I was thinking last night, as I drove, how important framing is. Once I framed the relationship with the photographer as a short term one, it made that outcome inevitable (not that it is over yet, of course).

I still seem to have this notion that perfection is obtainable. And yes, that means finding someone I think is perfect, and making her mine, to put it in a more creepy phrasing.

Smart, interesting, attractive, with no intolerable psychological issues. Everyone has a flaw, it's just a matter of finding someone with flaws that don't matter to you, or that you can be the counter-weight for.

The photographer is a likable person with little sexual experience. She and I have many of the same interests. The alt-rock connection we have reminds me of D, without the baggage, for example, in that we share our favorite songs and expand each other's horizons.

But, and obviously there's a but, or perhaps a few.

She hasn't had much chance in her life to build a history of experiences, at least positive and/or sexual ones. I would rather, it appears, be with a slut than with a virgin.

She lives one to one and half hours away. Not insurmountable, and were I not so heavily involved with my kids and soccer activities, we could have perhaps been able to see each other more than once a week.

She's not quite as attractive to me in person as in her photographs, which is unusual, as in most cases everyone is more attractive in person than in pictures, but she is a photographer, so that's could have been predicted. She's not unattractive, but once you've had that chemistry, and I have, one looks for it. There's a threshold, and she's on it.

Conversations are fine, but not stimulating. I read an article awhile back that compared human conversation to chimpanzee grooming rituals - both have the usefulness of building a relationship. We talk, we form connections, but we'll still fall back on the weather every second call. The closest we get to intellectual-level conversations is talking about sex, and the pattern there tends to be, "Ok, you must have done something different or risky." / "No, can't think of anything." / "Ok, here's an example from my life." / "Sounds fun. I was once in a similar, but unhappy and depressing situation."

Sigh.

I will see her a second time this weekend, and I hold out some hope that the opportunity to be together physically (and I don't mean sexually) will buttress the bridge between us.

But I've already made my frame.

Pulse

2010-11-21T11:12:00.000-06:00

I wonder if I'll always remember that feeling of panic I had two weeks ago, when I arrived on the island. I somehow had forgotten to pack my Rx, and only discovered this when I reached my claustrophia inducingly small hotel room. I frantically went through every pocket and crevasse of every bag, fearfully imagining what the vacation would be like in a constant state of narcoleptic haze.

I had fortunately at least had a backup, a year old expired 5mg version that required me to dose myself every few hours 3 to 4 times a day instead of one sweet 20mg steady-state ride that I'd become used to. Even so, it wasn't until I carefully thought and carefully counted them out before I started to calm down. But I'm not a junkie, I told myself, it's a necessity.

I didn't use as much as I thought I would need to, although many days I blamed the lack of the steady-state version of the drug for overeating, as one of the wonderful side effects and off book uses is appetite control. If you have higher levels of dopamine in your brain, you just don't feel as hungry. This is why exercise not only burns calories, but can prevent you from wanting so badly to replace them immediately. I envy people with naturally high levels, even as I recall being one of them in my skinny youth.

Soon I will be home, and back on the full dosage. And, as always, I will be vigilantly examining my mental self to see what it is doing to me. That aspect of my personality will likely not change.

Friends in Far Places

2010-11-18T23:47:00.000-06:00

Tonight I returned to the cafe, always a social occasion. Tonight E, the cafe's owner, wasn't feeling well, as she's been overdoing the exercise. That's actually according to plan, she explained, as she is in the fifth week of this P90X program.

I spent most of the evening happily chatting with Bill and Judy, Michiganers that spend about 3 months of the year on the island. E introduced me to them as being from nearby in Canada. I said that I'm really located closer to Montana or North Dakota, but since we were all staying within a few blocks of each other on the south part of the island, "hi neighbour!" We all chuckled warmly at that...

They said that for 48 years they've wanted to move to Hawaii, but still call Michgan home. Besides, their kids are spread out across the mainland, from a daughter (with very young kids of her own, their grandkids) nearby in Michigan, to a son in Denver, to a single daughter in Seattle.

Bill's a 73 year old ukelele enthusiastic (he plays with several bands and suggested I try to track down a CD from Jake Shimabukuro, the celebrated Japanese artist), and former financial advisor. Judy told a story about how he came to own 3 ukeleles, "can you believe it?"

"Well, I suppose that's reasonable," I said, "I have 3 guitars after all, an acoustic, two electric."

"Yes," said Bill, "they each have their own unique sound. Two have four strings, one has six." He went on to explain the tunings, and how he was thinking about getting an eight string.

I also learned that his first time in Hawaii was in 1956, on his way to Korean military duty. He was originally slated to do something mundane in an army base in Wisconsin, but requested something more adventurous. He was told that it may be possible to go to Europe, or East Asia, likely Japan. He was in luck, and was able to swap destinations, although obviously with the slight change to a tour of duty in post-war Korea instead of Japan.

He spoke of the classic artists such as Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, and how they were a dying breed, and I said that there were always more on the way such as Justin Bieber (Judy had heard of him), and the Facebook/YouTube sensation, that Lady-Ga-Ga-covering high-school prodigy. Arguably neither may be Frank Sinatra-esque, but pop stars are always rising.

Time and again we shared and echoed a positive outlook on life (something that perhaps seems ironic given my more common themes when blogging)... his mantra was that one should not take oneself too seriously, while I think I went on the most about how one must actively live life in order to life a long life.

All in all it was a good evening, the kind I can pretty much count on when I visit E's cafe. It's just a uniquely friendly place...

Another Day

2010-11-13T23:39:00.000-06:00

Today I milked a goat, and an attractive single woman took my picture for me while I was milking. I also tried to ask said woman if she had plans for dinner, and failed miserably. Like "I feel like a stalker now" miserably.

I went to the beach. I cried from loneliness, on the beach. People looked the other way, as they tend to do in such situations.

I thought to myself that wind-surfing would at least be a cool way to go, if one were feeling suicidal. Instead of acting on the whim, I simply stayed put until I could feel a good sunburn finally coming on.

I ate crispy duck fajitas at a cafe near the beach. The food was good, but the restauranteurs played a slow, mellow, 8-minute version of "No Woman No Cry" twice in a row. It was some sort of perverse joke on their part, but I only cried during the first playing as I was busy eating during the second.

I went for a Thai-style massage. She brushed the beach sand off of me, did her thing, and an hour later I was very relaxed, nearly asleep, and slightly incoherent. For awhile near the end I forgot about the epic fail, the sadness, and the day. But then I had to start the car and head back "home".

It was another day of my life gone, albeit on vacation. Another day.

Definition

2007-02-10T16:49:00.001-06:00

Dating is the process whereby two people slowly and incrementally reveal truths about themselves to determine if each really likes the other.

If the process is too slow, marriage can occur before it is complete, and unhappiness is the inevitable consequence.

Bitches

2007-01-24T23:17:00.000-06:00

"She's a bitch. Get over her."

I'm attracted to women with strong personalities. Assertive is the one end of the range, nasty is the other end. That's a possible explanation of why I kept going back to D in my head long after she was gone.

When I was a young man, say around 20, I had group of friends, and that circle intersected a circle of female friends. Tamara C. from that group was the girl I was giving a ride to on Christmas 1984 whose request to stop at a Klein's Food Mart so that she could get some cigarettes led to my first car being torched. She had a friend whose name was Eilidh T., and Miss T was a complete and utter embodiment of the word nasty... or perhaps cruel is an even better word.

When I ran into Eilidh ten years ago, whilst I was DJing, she wasted no time in demonstrating that her acerbic touch was in place. Not a sentence left her mouth that didn't skewer someone's soul or self-esteem. Oddly, I was attracted even as I was mortified. After a few more run-ins, I found myself in the stairwell after work, feeling her up. I was cupping her breasts through her sweater when the inevitable moral self-admonishment of an unhappily married but unfortunately moral man hit me, and I ran. She didn't take my disappearance well, as one might assume.

A few months later I saw her in the restaurant she was working in, and when she saw me her head snapped my direction twice in a perfect double-take. It was amazing she didn't drop what she was carrying. I couldn't help but laugh aloud, heartily, emphasis on the loud. It wasn't that I had any ill will towards her, although she had that for me, but the perfect sitcom-like head movement was impossible to not to react that way to. It could only have been funnier if coffee were spraying out of her mouth in the process.

I guess the point is that somehow I can find myself attracted to good women, and the worst. It's up to me to police myself to ensure I don't end up with the latter

Not all girls...

2006-07-27T14:53:00.000-06:00

People are complex enough beings that sometimes the things you don't want to be true can sometimes be true.

I've managed to not be a complete ass all my life, and I try to live by my rule to treat people based on actions and who they are, not how they look. Still, I will unconsciously smile more at someone I'm attracted to. Idealism can only counteract reality so much.

But there is class warfare (based on looks) in the romantic arena. When an average guy like me tries to dip his toe into the other classes, certain things are expected, like perhaps he shouldn't be able to look the "upper" class girl in the eye. For example, D (self-proclaimed hottie) asked me on our first date if I was intimidated, and I answered truthfully that I wasn't. It hadn't occurred to me that I should be, because I was already in the process of battling and overcoming my general shyness around every woman on the planet. Either that or it was because I had recently been hit on the head (see December's archives).

I've said before that reality is a different experience for each of us. Some of the most attractive people may become so accustomed to constant compliments that that this forms their "baseline" reality, and they can no longer ascertain the fake guy from the real guy. Considering how hard the fake tries to look like the real, and succeeds, that's not a stretch.

My most pleasant dating experiences were with women who said "I'm a good judge of character." My worst dating experience was with someone who said "I'm not a good judge of character", and she was the one whose appearance was most likely to garner the attention of players.

Just because you have an example doesn't mean you have a rule though. I am loathe to assume that all women who meet society's arbitrary standard of "hotness" are shallow, vain, and black-souled. So I don't. (It's more important to confront and counteract your prejudices than to hide them, so this is me doing that.)

I think I have one more rule now to add to my list. It's not new, as it came from the period when I first started battling my shyness, but it's a good one to not forget.

We are all equal. The famous, the beautiful, the rest, all simply human beings.

I am the past

2006-07-11T12:03:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when you still care about someone, and that someone is going through a time of loneliness, it's hard not to reach out, but sooner or later you have to realize that to them you are part of their past, not their future. They need to be moving towards that future, no matter how good or bad the present.

God in the headlines again

2006-07-10T21:52:00.000-06:00

This week's discussion has returned to the question of whether God is a man or a woman.

Um.

If there is only one God, what use does he/she have for genitalia?

Truth

2006-07-09T03:03:00.000-06:00

I have told my share of lies, but there are some situations and times when I cannot do anything but tell the truth. Something inside me makes it inescapable, compels me, even when, or especially when I'm naked together with a woman. I therefore choose my words carefully.

There is a difference between attractive and beautiful.
There is a difference between a girl and a woman.

You can't just say... nothing. So it is important to ensure that you never get naked with someone unless you know in advance that you like something about them.

Fortunately tonight was not a case where I broke that important rule... but the point remains that the situation made it quite clear to me that I do choose my words carefully so that I'm being honest.

I think that's a good thing.

Wax on, wax off

2006-06-29T18:02:00.000-06:00

It seems only a little strange that there be a sexual element to seeing a girl wipe down her antenna when washing her car.

What the heck do you need to wipe an antenna for anyways?

Dream, dream, dream

2006-06-24T23:31:00.000-06:00

I should give up trying to find what is reasonable, and just try to get what I want, even if that is impossible. Perhaps I will have more fun dreaming than analyzing.

I am Picasso

2006-06-23T23:01:00.000-06:00

It's hard not to see the obvious similarities.

My cat is a little over 10 years old now. He's always been an indoor cat. If you take him outside, he will immediately run for cover. If the door to the house is open, he will dash inside.

Recently he has become slightly more bold, going a foot or two out the door if you hold it open long enough. Each trip is slightly, slightly farther than the previous. The slightest noise, or the slightest movement by anyone or anything, and the cat immediately turns tail and is inside.

One other change of late is due to his pair of pet boys being gone a lot of the time. The cat is more likely to notice when the humans are gone, and much, much more likely to come up and ask to be petted. As the cat's social circle declines he becomes much more desperate for attention.

Given that humans have better medical treatment, I think it would be fair to say that a little over 10 in cat years is about the same as, let's say, 39 in human years.

By the way, my cat's name is Picasso.

My name is Vince.

Best father's day present

2006-06-18T12:31:00.000-06:00

My boys have been staying over at my ex's this week as her work day has subsided from 14-16 hours marathons to regular-person hours. Last night they stayed at a friend's house for a sleepover. I had taken them out swimming yesterday along with their friend, so it wasn't entirely unforeseeable that I would be the one giving them a ride from their mom's house where they changed into dry clothes and picked up sleeping bags.

This morning, however, they called me to get a ride from the friend's house to their mom's because there was too much to carry.

First thought in my head was why did they not call their mother, who was closer (5 blocks instead of 30), and whose house was their ultimate destination.

But the second thought was that that meant something. I'm the one they could rely upon, I'm the one they called.

Refocus

2006-06-12T20:51:00.000-06:00

Girls are good.
Girls are fun.
My heart can be safely placed in the hands of most girls.
The odds are in my favour.
Go date.

A more positive aspect

2006-06-12T16:51:00.000-06:00

One other thing I realized, from the chat today, is that I am indeed different than most men, or at least the ones I hear about.

I only become interested in sex *after* I become interested in the person.

Matchmaker

2006-06-04T22:59:00.000-06:00

My thought after watching an episode of this "reality" show was:

Give me enough time and I can screw anything up.

But...There are a few people in this world who still like me even when I do screw up. These are special friends indeed.

Road construction

2006-06-04T12:00:00.000-06:00

We see permanence where there is none.

Sincere Sex

2006-05-07T00:23:00.000-06:00

I was just watching a show, and it raised a point indirectly....

Sex should be... sincere.

Cats

2006-05-03T14:55:00.000-06:00

Had this thought yesterday...

You can walk into someone's house, anyone's, and feel free to pet their cat.

Can't do that with humans though.

More keys found on the keychain of life

2006-05-02T21:37:00.000-06:00

Doing something. Makes happy happy.

20-somethings flying a kite in the park tonight.

Despite a nipply cold that made my ears hurt and my run short.

Doing something. Happy happy.

Juxtapositional humour

2006-05-02T19:37:00.000-06:00

I was watching a show on BDSM (on the Discovery Channel, so it's ok), and the segment before a commercial break ended with a brief wax-poured-on-body demonstration. The commercial that followed started with a woman saying "I love my scented candles..."

lol

Intimidation

2006-05-01T02:45:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about something goth girl said to me on our first date.

"Are you intimidated?"

There are two meanings to this, of course. First, I'm not talking enough and seem shy. Second, she's used to guys being speechless around her. I know was talking enough and not shy, so I'm going with the second one.

The trick to not being shy, not being intimidated, is to remember that no matter how "ooh la la" your (potential or current) companion is, you're both equal, and you're both human beings. Some people might have a higher opinion of themselves. Some people may get more attention because they fit into our group-decided ideal of attractiveness. Some people might be famous. But all are... people. As long as you (shy person) remember that you are both mere mortals, you won't be intimidated.

Where's your faith, baby?

2006-04-25T00:30:00.000-06:00

More blogging inspired by reading other blogs when I should be sleeping.

Hey, I took my cold medication, I'm just waiting for it to kick in.

So, more comments on the "theory" referred to here.

The part that annoyed me about the criticism of the theory, and yes, I realize that everyone is rallying around the blogger here (I like it when my friends to back me up, too)... the part that really annoyed me was that I could see myself saying something similar, from a place of sincerity, honesty, and with no guile or ill will.

I meet or have conversations with women.

Some of them attract me, some don't.
Some I want to be friends with, some I don't.
Some attraction will be sexual in nature.
Sometimes it will be exclusively sexual, sometimes it won't.

How does that differ from anyone's experiences?

Are some people so wrapped up in the concept of a gender war that they can't see the commonality?

I will grant you that there are players out there, dishonest people masquerading as decent when they're not. But you have to be pretty cynical to believe automatically that every member of the opposite sex (whichever sex you may be) is a liar simply out for their own interests.

What's even more annoying to me is that I believe this cynicism was applied to myself. Someone I dated was so cynical about men that any inadvertent misstep on my part was interpreted as meaning I was a wolf in sheep's clothing. It tore me up. Tore me up and still does.

Either have some faith, or quit dating. You're messing things up for us innocents.

A number

2006-04-21T02:17:00.000-06:00

Age.

It divides us all.

Yesterday I playfully suggested a date with someone who is 22, but I hoped it would not be taken seriously, as I could only imagine the ick factor for her if that were the case.

Yes, there is Tom Cruise. Thankfully I am not Tom Cruise, for it seems horrifying to me to have this manufactured image hanging over me 24/7, paparazzi vultures circling. Not to say that he is good or bad. I'll never know him.

Yes, I've dated outside my societal norm, and it was fine overall.

Yes, I know a 35-year-old woman who slept with a 19-year-old. And I slept with her. And I do recall the "you're sleeping with everyone your partner ever slept with" line from whatever scare-of-the-week government program that was.

That last woman said to me, on our first date, "My friends tell me I don't look my age." My first thought was, yes, yes you do. :-) She had kept in good shape, to be sure, but as scrawny as she was after 3 kids, the eyes never lie.

Someone who dated me said to me, "My friends tell me that you (Vince) don't look as old as you are." If I've had enough sleep, and I'm a happy guy, I can see the young me in the mirror, but I have no illusions that I am really anything other than what I am.

Although I know that society devalues women who age, and men "only get more distinguished", I am eternally reminded of that creepy old guy who used to stand by the side of the dance floor watching all the fine young women. I don't want to be that guy.

Former others

2006-04-18T10:11:00.000-06:00

I read your blog, and I felt like telling you I wanted to kick his ass for making you feel that way. I remember when I started out with D and you said you would do something similar if she hurt me.

I'll send a hug your way instead.

It's not us, you know, it's them.

Success

2006-03-14T00:45:00.000-06:00

The key to success is not caring or worrying about if you will succeed.

Longevity

2006-03-11T10:42:00.000-06:00

One of the keys to longevity in a relationship would be respect. If you don't respect the person you're with, you shouldn't be in that relationship.

Before I Make Popcorn

2006-03-10T19:57:00.000-06:00

2 lyrics and 3 thoughts from deleted entries; references encoded to protect my innocence.

Alone Again, Naturally (Gilbert O'Sullivan)
May I never forget what it is like to share a life with someone, to be with someone. Is there anything sadder than purposely choosing loneliness? It is one thing to be comfortable living on your own, and quite another to choose to stay that way. J2

Bombs Away, Dream Babies (John Stewart)
Once you've had beautiful, smart, kind-hearted, self-aware, wonderful... even for a month or two... you won't settle for less. I've been spoiled. J1 C1

Her Majesty (The Beatles)
If someone is too attractive, she may have attracted some bad experiences into her life. The resulting scars show up at some point... D1 A1

Seen and Not Seen (Talking Heads)
He wonders if he too might have made a similar mistake. V1

Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads)
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself, well... how did I get here? V1

Dream World (Midnight Oil)
Reality is subjective. V1

Rejoice

2006-03-10T11:56:00.000-06:00

Ok, people, I just realized what I've done with my MSN weeding (2nd this week).

I've chosen quality over surface attributes. Scary. I thought men couldn't do this sort of thing.

:-)

I am spoiled though. Once you've had beautiful, smart, kind-hearted, self-aware, wonderful... even for a month or two... you won't settle for less. Even out of desperation! That's good, you know.

There are three levels, three categories that come to mind.

#1: Friends only. People that you like well enough, but no attraction, no chemistry.
#2: Potential Significant Others: The whole package. See "spoiled", above.
#3: The "what was I thinking" category.

Now there are already many caveats occurring to me. Someone can be in the #2 category, but only be a friend because (a) the feeling must be reciprocal and (b) the circumstances of life prevent them becoming an ongoing significant other. And, as you can imagine, you can goof up and not realize someone should be in category #3. Well, whatever I guess... too many numbers and letters in this post. Feels like a memo.

The point of this entry to me is that I've been spoiled twice, and I plan to be spoiled again, and then stay that way. Everything else is just paddling to reach the other side.

The Order of Things in the Dating World

2006-03-10T11:04:00.000-06:00

Some men try to impress women, some women try to impress men, some don't worry about it so much.

This bears some thought...

Is it good or bad to want to impress someone who likes to test you? Is it good or bad that they want to test you? Or just the ways things are?

I think I'm a little overwhelmed this week. For the first time I'm experiencing the "too many people trying to chat with me" state of affairs that I gather is normal for the other gender.

Then again, this upset stomach stole enough sleep from me that perhaps this feeling is a reflection of that and nothing more... I also feel scatterbrained, a bit...

I am removing a few people from my MSN though... on grounds of questionable stability and/or personality issues. The anecdotal evidence so far is leading me to believe that supermodel looks are a very bad sign. Sometimes a chat or two let's you know just enough to know you don't want to know even as much as you know.

:-)

Goodbye, "Hot Nurse".

:-)

Disillusionment kills

2006-03-09T14:54:00.000-06:00

I was reading an article in the November 2005 National Geographic about longevity, and one aspect that I noted was that having religion gives you an additional 2 years in life expectancy.

I don't think atheism is dangerous per se, because I think it depends on how you apply your beliefs. I have a family down the street who are devout fundamentalist Christians, except they don't apply any of the love thy neighbour tenets, or really live up to Jesus' examples in any way that I can tell, sadly. They have a scowl and swear words for myself and my kids and have always ignored the smiles and waves they've received. I, on the other, am a happy guy. At least today, anyways.

:-)

So... I fully expect I'll get those 2 years, and they won't.Be happy - your life depends on it!

Days gone by

2006-03-08T22:21:00.000-06:00

I don't regret any relationship I've had so far since being separated. That includes the ones where I still have feelings for the person long after they are gone from my life. I may wish they were still around, but I wouldn't trade the experiences I did have for relief from wishing. It also includes the one unpleasant relationship I've had; my regret there isn't that I tried it, but that I didn't catch on faster as to what the situation was. I also don't regret those one-off dates that went nowhere; not every person will be your soul mate, and you can't get to know people solely by what they are like online. A pen pal relationship does not tell you what kind of chemistry you will have with someone.

It is or it isn't

2006-03-08T09:39:00.000-06:00

You can't spend your whole life waiting for it to happen, or for the right person to show up. You need to be pro-active.

You have to be ready to jump in when the right person comes along.

You have to be ready to jump out if it turns out you were wrong.

Waffling is a waste of time.

Thanks, kid.

2006-03-07T17:55:00.000-06:00

My eldest turns to me and says,
"Are you ever going to find someone?"

In Memoriam

2006-03-06T11:38:00.000-06:00

It struck me again, as I watched this section of the Oscars last night, that it is critical to live life fully, completely, as often as possible, because there are only so many days to do so.

Thought for the Day

2006-02-26T12:53:00.000-06:00

While the boys are unexpectedly away enjoying their dog, I'm buried under work. It's the nature of this work that I can go quite some time without anything to do, then bang, everybody wants something done at the same time. So. Here I am working on a Sunday.

But, here's my thought for the day. You didn't think I would stop thinking just because I'm working, did you? *grin*

"Seeing is forgetting the name of the thing one sees."

To understand someone is to go beyond labels

Crash

2006-02-24T20:02:00.000-06:00

Just finished watching Crash. As is probably the screenwriter's intention, I'm taking stock of myself. Not so much about the particular facet of myself that is racism as I already know the inherent racism that is trying too hard not be racist. :-) More about how my ex and I get along, which is continuing to be fairly well. Yes, she still irks me from time to time (like telling me an unnecessary lie at the windup*), but all in all we still are positive to, and (!) supportive of, each other.

* Sure you got them free, that's why he just said that he charged you for them and you've got your Visa card out... who cares? Yes, we fought about the issue when we were married. I never understood why even lie in the first place... it's not like the magic fairy was going to erase that line on the credit card statement. :-) But now, if you want to be generous, it's not my problem, because I'm not responsible for trying to balance things any more. **

** To be fair, I also find myself reacting to our old issues sometimes, like, don't look at my MP3 player because I don't want to feel guilty that I bought it.

On Drugs (2/14/06)

2006-02-14T01:22:00.000-06:00

A few days ago I saw the latest Pink video, "Stupid Girls". I applauded (not literally, of course) her attempt to skewer the glorifying media images of Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, et al, but it occurred to me that there was a certain irony, since in every non-scripted Pink appearance I've seen she has been, shall we say, somewhat inebriated. And then there was her wardrobe in Transporter 2. Still, I wish the song was a bit stronger in terms of quality; it doesn't hurt to rail against negative examples and the more the better.

Speaking of alcohol and self-revelation... I'm a non-drinker by choice. I've had fewer alcoholic drinks than I am years old, gone as long as 3 years without a drink, had one in the last year. I've also never tried any form of illegal drugs, and minimize my use of prescriptions or over-the-counter drugs. The only cigarette in my mouth was when I was a kid and my mother demonstrated for me once (at a Pats game I think) how undesirable it was by letting me take a puff. But by the same token, I criticize a legal system that allows widespread use of damaging substances such as cigarettes and alcohol, yet outlaws the somewhat less harmful (according to studies and my own personal observations*) mary-ja-wanna. It all makes sense, though, if you go into the economics that shaped things.

Which reminds me of the book Freakonomics, which posits among other things, the legalization of abortion in the U.S. in the 1970s led to the drop in crime rates in the 1990s. Not something that will ever be trumpeted. But it saddens me to think that there are probably a million problems we could be solving if we weren't trapped by the rules of life we've been taught, the prejudices pushed upon us, the common sense we assume but never apply critical thinking to.

What could we achieve if we rejected, as a society, false media imagery, and false beliefs. But, of course, how can we ever truly know what is true, and what is false, even with direct observation?

* Worst pothead experience: being stuck in a vehicle with a lead singer, high as a kite and driving on the wrong side of the road in a winter storm returning from Flin Flon, Saskatchewan. Note that I didn't say harmless!

Back to dating

2006-02-11T11:22:00.000-06:00

This has been a very different week for me, dating-wise. After discovering that I was getting too wrapped up last month with someone that in retrospect was not an ideal match, I made some changes (restorations, really) in how I approached dating.

Originally I was exploring the dating world. Just seeing who was out there. That worked ok. I had a range of experiences from the one-off-not-interested to the we-are-two-souls-of-a-kind. At most I talked to two people at a time, and never more than one if the one was someone I was really interested in. After a couple of rocky starts that worried me (pre-online dating included a "rescue me" situation and a clingy "all men abuse me" situation), everything went quite quickly, and generally went well, no matter which end of the spectrum the relationship was on.

Having two startlingly different we-are-two-souls-of-a-kind relationships back to back combined with it being the Christmas season threw me off track, however. I've already discussed the importance of not ignoring what emotional space you are in when you decide to start a relationship of any kind. But one thing that occurs to me now is that perhaps I got spoiled, and started expecting deep and meaningful even where it couldn't exist.

So... changes. I am back to the exploration, the exploring mode. This week it helped greatly to find a new way to contact people, and to be in contact with 3 (yes, three) new people.

Last night I went on a date with one of these women. I'm having some difficulty at the moment trying to recall precisely why I sent her a message originally... which I guess tells you how well the date went. :-)

Nice enough woman, again involved in education (that's my dating theme apparently). Some idiosyncracies that I think were caused by nervousness that started to drove me nuts within 60 seconds of meeting her. No chemisty between us, at least none that I felt. Just an adult conversation, a so-so movie, some somewhat gross food, more conversation, and an end to the evening. Tepid. A one off date for lack of future interest. No regrets; if nothing else at least it brings me back to the more casual state of dating.

So, that leaves 2 other women.

One of them may conceivably read this (let's pretend not), as I was impulsive (foolish?) this week and threw my blog address at her in a chat... in (let's be charitable here) a misguided, sad, last ditch attempt to save my self-esteem. :-)

That chat threw some cold, cold water on what was a very promising, very exciting conversation. She does seem like someone I'd like to continue to get to know, and perhaps it is still possible to revive things through another medium, one where the inflection in our voice or the expression on our face is available. We did agree that it is too easy to misinterpret the written word without enough context. Will another opportunity occur? One can hope.

So, if I've indeed messed things up where I wish I hadn't (been there, done that), that still leaves 1 of 3. Good thing I broke my rule about never chatting with more than 2 women at a time. The chats with her are few and far between, however, and I still know very little about her. It's very hard to say much at this point. Might be quickly trailing off into nothing.

Seems that either some unexpected good fortune will need to come my way, or perhaps the exploration will need to be directed to new lands.

Still, it's nice to be out of the rut, out of fixation mode, and back to having hope.

Post-script
Ironic that the tepid date leads to hope while the great date last month led to despair.

The Rules (2/8/06)

2006-02-08T16:39:00.000-06:00

Here are my rules, at least the ones I can remember at the moment:

Caution, not fear.

Be honest and open.
(a) Emotionally open
(b) Answer any question honestly and completely
(c) No matter what the perceived cost

The past is the past.
(a) It can't be changed
(b) It's not always relevant

There is always hope.
(a) Even when you're alone
(b) Even when you feel rejected

Ask yourself if it will matter 100 years from now.

Redemption, Part One (2/5/06)

2006-02-05T16:39:00.000-06:00

I started out life as an idealistic feminist, a boy raised by his mother alone, then raised by both his caring mother and somewhat awful stepfather, then a witness to a suicide, then after it was after a point of being impressionable because I was an adult living at home, a caring mother and a good but distant man. I guess I'm saying that I was malleable up until I was 17 at the most, so it was a childhood of generally positive female role models and a handful of (ok, one) positive male role models.

I was socially aware. Fought actively against bigotry, racism, misogyny, and meanness.

On the negative side, I battled low self-esteem, depression, and loneliness.

Then I got married. I was no longer lonely, usually, but I acted more like the negative male role models of my childhood than the social activist I started out to be. This did little for my self-esteem and depression.

I could never really reconcile my beliefs and my actions. This, and many other factors, caused me to become a hermit. To this day, I can count the number of close friends I have on one hand. Friends that I talk to at least once a year, two hands.

One day I decided to be living again.

One part of that decision was to live and act according to my beliefs, not my examples.

And for the most part, I've been on a path of redemption.

If I have made a difference in people's lives, and I'm not claiming I'm magically giving hope to everyone I meet, it has been a positive difference. Until now, at least. But I have to look at my handling of this last relationship as a temporary setback, and get back to the fight to be me, and be true to what I believe in.

Back to redemption.

One More Facet (1/30/06)

2006-01-30T16:37:00.000-06:00

Oddly enough, when you stop seeing someone, you learn about one more facet.

I learned this early on in my post-separation dating with one woman. She had had nothing but very bad experiences with men throughout her life and occasionally mentioned that I was the first person to treat her decently, the first person she could let her guard down with. She was easily freaked out, jealous, constantly trying to change who she was to suit who she thought I wanted her to be, and there reached a point where I saw that she was truly not who I was looking for, not who I wanted to be dating. When I broke up with her, I was polite, careful, and caring... light... but she was beyond emotional and dramatic, and I know emotional and dramatic! "I'll never date another man" was the essence of what she said, but you can imagine. I had to revise my intention to remain friends. I checked in on her a month later, and she had put her guard (or should I say the Berlin wall!) back up.

When I stop seeing someone that I cared about, I am somewhat morose, the depth and length of which depend on the depth of the connection I had with that person. Amusingly enough, the emotions that hit afterward are unexpected. I can't quite predict how I'll feel, or at least I've failed to. I'm getting better with each iteration, though. Or is it just because this iteration is after a shallower relationship? I don't know.

But the breakup itself tells you who you were dealing with. How secure are they as a person. (Also how secure you are as a person, if you are willing to look at yourself). You never quite know who you can be post-relationship friends with until it's over.

Statement (1/30/06)

2006-01-30T16:36:00.000-06:00

I am a freak, not a weirdo. I do things differently than "normal" people intentionally, and with apathy aforethought.

The Search Begins Anew...(1/29/06)

2006-01-29T16:34:00.000-06:00

Ok, so let's review.

There are women out there who are:
- Smart.
- Intelligent.
- Sexy.
- Fun to be with.
- Good-hearted.

But.

So far it seems that *life* itself is my greatest enemy. Which I kinda figured out before I even separated. It was one of my greatest fears, in fact, that there wouldn't be anyone out there to meet.

Ok, first of all, I wasn't exactly right.

There are women you can meet. That you'll like.

YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP THEM!!!!!

AAARRRRGH!!!!!!!!

A sad moment just now as I reduce my MSN Messenger list by one. And I'm not sure about whether to add "D" back in or not, for the chance at an occasional chat, or if this is one of those moments I should be ripping the band-aid off instead of pulling slowly. Knowing me, it makes no difference.

I've had a range of relationships ... in terms of time, depth, personality mesh, guardedness, connectedness...

Time doesn't matter. As long as there's enough time to get to know someone. All the time in the world with the wrong person doesn't make them right. I learned this in post-separation relationship #2.

Sex doesn't matter. You can have sex with someone, and it doesn't change the meaning of the relationship. Sex is a reflection of the state of the relationship.

Guardedness slows things town and prevents or damages connectedness, but it isn't an insurmountable obstacle.

Personality mesh and connectedness. That's what matters.

And if I get over a threshold of connectedness with someone, they stick with me in my head even when LIFE kills the relationship.

So to rip off the band-aid or not.... makes it no easier on me.

Reciprocation (1/22/06)

2006-01-22T22:54:00.000-06:00

...the lack of which leads to withdrawal.

What shall be, shall be.

The well is deep, water is plentiful. Not every taste is sweet, not every taste is the same. It is time to return to the well.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice

Are You Who You Think You Are? (1/22/06)

2006-01-22T09:02:00.000-06:00

Are You Who You Think You Are?
The mundane and the profound. Ok, profundity is relative too...

As I was making the mega-omelette this morning, a combination of 4 eggs, 2 cheeses, onions, mushrooms, I was pondering the question of whether anybody actually knows who they really are. Self-image is powerful and entirely false.

You can see it just by looking at some blogs, you see it in the people you know, and if you look at the mirror from the edge instead of head on, you see it in you.

An anarchist who believes in marriage.
A rebellious goth girl who lives in tameness.
A busy family-oriented mom who wastes the day chatting and taking quizzes.
And me, societal critic living off of the structure of capitalism, feeling I'm shy but always told that I'm not, and... struggling to find a current definition of myself.

So much of my self-image is based on who I was or who I planned to be that I almost don't know who I am. That's sounds much more serious than it is, though, because the closest definition I've got is that I'm a "work in progress". Sometimes I think that I must be who others see me to be, that the reflection is somehow more accurate than the internal view. Really, neither is accurate. I know what I feel inside, I know how I intend to be, I see my actions in retrospect, and other see only parts of the actions. No one sees everything I do except me, and I see it subjectively.So what does self-image matter?

I guess it's what makes us happy or not, makes us do what we do.

I fought against the self-image of shyness, and that fight redefined who I am. I fought against my rampant paranoia, and that redefined who I am. Although I still feel shy and paranoid at times, it's much less often, and it hardly ever determines what I do. Probably to the point where I am unusual in this society of fear. Unfortunately not to the point where I am unaffected by a society of fear.

The Dark Side
Trust is incredibly dear to me. The number of people I can trust, who have never ever ever betrayed that trust is infinitesimal.

I've countered my long term paranoia and shyness by being as utterly open as opportunity permits. I haven't really been burned yet by doing so, but it is still a struggle sometimes, especially when I'm perceiving someone as a game player.

Games lead to unhappiness, a lack of trust, the fatal deterioration of a relationship.

On the other hand, I am paranoid.

So, I want to be able to say that I will follow my rules, and be open, and trusting, until given a concrete (not implied) reason not to be. But it is so hard. A lifetime of Pavlovian training makes me cling to suspicion. Which kills the opening. Which makes *me* the one killing the relationship. Which is not following the new rules.

Aargh!

Still, I want to hold myself accountable, and hold myself to the positive aspects of my self-image.

Divorcee's Unite! (1/22/06)

2006-01-22T02:26:00.000-06:00

Everyone sees your life through the lense that is their own life.

The expectation is that your separation or divorce or whatever will be similar to someone else's. But there is at the very least variation, and sometimes, sometimes, a life can be unique. I don't hate my ex and spew vile about her constantly. Some people cannot seem to imagine it, and try to draw me into conversations with comments in the middle of their venting that end with "and you know what that's like". Yes, sometimes I need to vent, too, and sometimes there are issues.

But my separation is like my marriage was, only without as much of the negative. Just my experience, possibly no one else's.

Work Ethic (1/20/06)

2006-01-20T11:56:00.000-06:00

Someone said to me today, "I was beginning to wonder if you ever worked."

Oddly enough, it is my intensely strong work ethic that makes me happy to work as little as I do.

When I was working 9 to 5 (technically 8:30 to sometime in the evening), it bothered me to take breaks, to have to stop to chat, to do anything other than work. I didn't like that I was getting paid for doing "nothing".

Now, I only get paid for precisely the amount of time I work. It makes me much happier overall, and I feel ok (well, sometimes) when I'm not working.

Honesty... (1/20/06)

2006-01-20T00:46:00.000-06:00

....is an aphrodisiac.

Purposeful or co-incidence (1/18/06)

2006-01-18T00:07:00.000-06:00

Blogs. One of the nifty features is that "Next Blog" button that will randomly plop you down on someone else's blog at random.

I don't tell many people that I have this blog; in fact there are only two people who know me that know it exists. As it is I have to occasionally wrestle with myself and stay true to the goal that this be an uncensored diary whenever I have the time and inclination to add to it.

How will someone take this or that comment that I make? I don't know, but what it really comes down to is that I am who I am, and I think what I think. My shortcomings are on display for everyone to see; judge if you will, but I believe you reveal yourself in how you judge others just as much as if you were candid.

I am, as the blog address indicates if you are observant reader, no-deist, a-thiest. It is interesting to me to see that two of my blog's visitors today were referred here, through the magic of the Next Blog button, from believers' blogs (http://lavonnebruckner.blogspot.com and http://savedbyhisgracealone.blogspot.com). One speaks of sharing the bible with others rather than shoving it in their face, while the other speaks of being persecuted and considered crazy for believing in jesus christ.

Sharing is indeed better than shoving, although I know that in their eyes something must be done to save the unsaved, so I wonder how far that patience would go in the face of a non-believer. And the other blog reminds me that persecution is something I'm familiar with, from the other direction, from believers to this non-believer. Although no-deism is my core belief I would be hesitant to share it with anyone in a country that is pre-dominately deist.

So on the topic of judging others, and what that reveals...

How do I judge thee?

Well, I judge thee on the basis of tolerance. If you can tolerate the likes of me, I can tolerate the likes of you. But, who goes first? Which of us tolerates the other first?

So... an interesting random convergence of spirtual contradiction leads to this train of thought... but I grow tired, and it all ceases to make any sense to me... shall we say, "to be continued"?

God is trying to convert me (1/19/06)
Seriously man, why is every referrer to my page a religious site. Mind you, this one's kinda cool ... http://cafeapocalypsis.blogspot.com.

The Trampoline (1/17/06)

2006-01-17T16:51:00.000-06:00

Part 1... Holy...
Ok, epiphany time again!

I could not go to sleep last night (big shock, eh?) because my shoulder and neck muscles were sore, and it took me until now to figure out why.

I've been working on putting together this little mini-trampoline for awhile now. Ok, days. I got 8 out of 48 springs on, and the tension was such that I couldn't stretch anything to get even one more on. Then (a day later) I had the brainy idea of using a tie-down, which you would normally use to strap luggage onto the roof of your car (or van). So I bought one. And even though it was not the right size and didn't work half as well as I thought, I managed to get more springs on by wrapping the thing around my back, putting my feet on the far side of the bottom of the trampoline (because it would tip if I did otherwise), and using my entire body to pull that sucker into place. Ok, so I mangled a finger in the process. Ok, so I still have 8 or 10 springs to attach. It was *progress*!!!!

But as I went to finish the job tonight, I noted that the exact muscles I was trying to use were the ones that had kept me up. Still sore.... but at least I'm getting exercise!

Part 2... Tool
Second last spring.... whew! This is sure hard.... I wonder if there was just some clever way of using this tool that came with it to put the springs on more easily.... Underhand, eh? Let's twist it around this way now (snap!). Hey, that was sure easy. Guess I'll put the last spring on now.... (snap!).... hmmm... that was easy too.... I wonder if the whole trampoline would have gone together more easily if I had done that before. Aaaarrggh!

Part 3...Enjoy the Silence
"Note: It will take two people to assemble your mini-trampoline."

Oh.

And it's not even really big enough for one person to use.

Why did I buy this again?

Surface (1/15/06)

2006-01-15T13:00:00.000-06:00

How is it that you're never aware of the point in time where a person in your life passes from someone you only see the exterior of, to someone you connect with the interior of?

Aftermath (1/14/06)

2006-01-14T12:06:00.000-06:00

So, the perfect date has come and gone. ;-)

Arguments (1/13/06)

2006-01-13T09:37:00.000-06:00

Why is it impossible to really make your children understand life's most important lessons?

Tonight I went to bed early, leaving instructions that my sons go to bed at a reasonable, yet late enough hour. I was awoken to them arguing in a way that is all too predictable. It was a half hour past the appointed time, not a huge issue in itself. My eldest was trying to get my youngest to get into bed, turn off the lights, let him go to sleep, and let me sleep. My youngest was trying to stay up and read for a few minutes before going to sleep. If they could have both let it go, perhaps close a door to resolve the deadlock for the few minutes in question, all would have been fine. But instead, they awoke the lion who roared (me!).

My eldest takes things personally, much beyond what is his responsibility or his to control. He apologizes for things that are not his fault. He is responsible, caring, helpful, smart, conscientious. But, as I was shaped by my stepfather into a life of unnecessary guilt, he also has the weight of the world on his shoulders. No matter how many times, how many ways I explain the basic rules of life in this regard to him, be continues to bear this weight. It saddens me.

My youngest is a whip smart rebel, easily fascinated and bored, uninterested in room tidyness, eternally curious and persecuted. He cares about people as much as his brother does, but bears the curse of being the youngest, bottom of the ladder, never in charge. It's harder to explain the basic rules of life that would help him, but I try to make my suggestions just as plentiful as with his brother.

Let it go. Worry about nothing more than what you do or do not do. Just do your part. There's no need to argue about what each other does or does not do.

The Results Are In...(1/10/06)

2006-01-10T23:11:00.000-06:00

...from the doctor, and it's a post-concussion headache that may last weeks. Lovely.

Atypical (1/8/06)

2006-01-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

Atypical. And I like being that way.

Tonight the boys went over to their mother's a bit early, and my ex's beau came over with the van and took a load of stuff for the boys (yes, there was too much to fit in my car!). I also took over my eldest's new computer that I had set up for him, and installed it. Then we all had supper and part of a movie together. I would not imagine there are too many people in our situation that manage that in the atmosphere that it was.

As time goes by it all becomes easier. Moving past the emotional section on to the payoff of the decision made to separate so that the four of us in our family could have a better, happier life. And in general (yes, there are still bad days!) that is the case for all of us, and another good thing, for at least some of the people who are now coming into our lives, again only because of that decision.

Replacement Value (1/6/06)

2006-01-06T12:04:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with my ex's boyfriend, arranging to have my eldest's computer brought over when they drop the boys off today. It's an older system, can't play Age of Empires III on it, so I'm going to trade them for the newer one he has here, then work on rebuilding it in my own home rather than having to go over there once in awhile.

He mentioned that they had had a good trip to Swift Current to see my ex's other sister (not the one from Saskatoon mentioned heretofore), and one other item. They had picked up a DVD system for van, which the boys watched on the way back.

This triggered an interesting memory for me.

Back in 1989 I left the band Tazmania, and when I next saw them perform with a replacement bass player, they included the song Innocence, by Harlequin. Although I enjoyed the song briefly when it first came out, I was already quick sick of it by '89, so as second in command of the band I had held out against playing it. So, first thing that happens after I leave? They start playing it.

A long time I decided that my boys' vacations would be similar to my own growing up: an opportunity to see the world as you drive through. As a result, as second in command of the marriage, I had held out against buying a DVD player for the van. So, first things that happens after I leave? Somebody buys a player, brings a DVD, and they start playing it.

Blog it all! (1/4/06)

2006-01-04T15:23:00.000-06:00

I don't really have time for this, but so much needs to be blogged here....

I'm missing having my boys this week; did have a good chat on the phone with my youngest this morning though.

Oh, the artificial constructs in my head that are obstacles: How do you ask a question of someone you can't contact except by e-mail, and it's not the kind of question you want to ask by e-mail? I suppose you wait patiently. Or blog it. :-)

So today I have a sore neck, a headache, many outstanding computer issues, people depending on me to get some work done that is already overdue, no spare time, girl questions, and yet... it's a beautiful day out. Calm, frost-covered trees, white sky, a little chilly getting the paper in my boxers this morning... beautiful. And I'm smiling.

So what the hell, let's get to it, shall we?

The ex in the extended family (12/27/05)

2005-12-27T11:10:00.000-06:00

I was contemplating yesterday, after I got off the phone in back to back calls with my Dad, and my mother-in-law, that it's slightly odd how things work out in terms of family.

My parents divorced when I was very, very young, so I always consider my first meeting with my Dad to have happened when I was 22. We haven't really kept in touch very well since then; meeting in person perhaps 3 or 4 times, talking on the phone only a handful of times more than that. I've met my half-brother once, talked to my half-sister on the phone twice. I think this Christmas was the first in 2 or 3 years I had talked to my Dad, and we spent about an hour on the phone, briefly talking about my separation and mainly talking about the boom in the British Columbia economy.

Contrast that with the shorter phone call (just under an hour) I next had with my mother-in-law. We also talked about the separation, but there was context there. We talked about her husbands ailments (he's not doing very well), and their recent move.

I got off the phone and realized that I had more in common, more to talk about, and more feelings of warmth and care for my mother-in-law than my father. Time is more important than blood.

I may not be sure that I separated from my wife at exactly the right time. Maybe I stuck it out too long for the supposed sake of the kids, maybe because of my own fears. But I think I did pretty well. My kids actually know me. They may even remember me :-) They can talk to me, and I'm about as important in their life as a parent can be (without it being overdone, of course). So despite my fears of being my father, of making his mistakes, I didn't.

And at this point, my sons are hopefully far enough along that they can weather the storms that occasional dot their life landscape. And truly it is better. As even though today began with rain and landslides, more of their weather forecasts now are for cloudy skies at worst than they used to be. The occasional tornado still appears, yes. But it's like moving from Kansas to Saskatchewan, tornado-wise. And half the time they can vacation in a place where tornadoes are very rare. Ok, I'm getting out of hand with this metaphor.

I don't think that they are rejoicing the way I did when my mother and stepfather divorced when I was 12, but I think that they understand some of the benefits despite the feelings of sadness I'm sure they have. In the end, happier parents have to lead to happier kids, I figure.

Ouch ...or... the fine art of face-planting

2005-12-24T22:28:00.000-06:00

I managed to give my kids the kind of Christmas morning I wanted to. Yes, I know this is the 24th.

This is my first Christmas "on my own" in 16 years, and I celebrated it one day early with my sons so that my ex-wife could have the "real" date.

Christmas has always been very important to her. It might be important to me, but I don't know because it's always been about reining her in before she destroyed us financially. I always loved her generosity and kind spirit, but then I hated having to figure out how to pay for everything. But this time it was sort of finding out what was "my way" of celebrating Christmas.

In the end I went very minimal - one set of Christmas lights on a house plant. For comparison, she has 2 trees decorated top to bottom, every inch of her new house trimmed, and so on... If you want a complete dichotomy of styles, there it is. Somewhere, half way between us, would be a normal person's Christmas. :-)

I had 5 presents for each of my sons to open, but no gift over a hundred dollars this year. And in the end, the gifts they most loved were a cheap little board game, a sweater, two stuffed dogs (that I knew they would love the minute I saw them in the store), and a weird little radio-controlled buggy my neighbour bought off the back of a truck. The 2 most expensive items still sit unopened - and that's not unusual. They ripped open some presents and smiled, that's Christmas morning to me.

After opening presents, and playing a few games, we packed up and dressed up. I grabbed the last gift I needed to deliver, and found some long underwear. The boys put on their ski pants, we loaded up the sleds, and went for breakfast at Burger Baron. Well, brunch. Well, a breakfast sandwich and a Eggnog shake. Yes, all three of us had that.

Now, if you're wondering why I entitled this blog, "Ouch", you'll find out soon enough.

After breakfast, and a few jokes about whether or not it was wise to give my eldest a milkshake just before walking uphill, we went to Mt. Pleasant to toboggan. It was a great day. A little windy, but near zero degrees, beautiful blue sky. So pretty I took a picture. We went up and down the hill, had some fun. But eventually my youngest said it was time to go. We compromised, one more slide downhill, then back to the top, then over to the side of the hill where the car was parked. That's when things got... a little more dangerous.

On the way in, we had seen a ramp. A ramp doesn't quite describe it correctly though. A hard mound of snow, 3 feet high, at a 80 degree angle. Just enough that it wasn't a vertical wall. My neck hurts and my eyes squint remembering it. Now on the way in, my youngest had kind-of sledded over a corner of it, and it looked like fun, so on the way out, my eldest and myself had to try it with a "sled train". At the top of the hill I sat on my sled, he sat behind me on his sled, and we put the two sleds together. We started downhill. We picked up speed. A little faster than I expected since this was a lower hill, but you know, gravity works just as well on a little hill as on a big one. We were going fast enough that when we hit the ramp (or devil's catapult as I call it now), we launched. But not a nice launch. Remember this was an 80 degree angle. I flipped in the air. I landed on my head and my face, twisting my neck at an angle unlike any I remember having had before. CRUNCH. I couldn't get up. I was in pain. I was scared as hell that I may never walk again. It was pretty bad. I forced myself to get up. It was so painful I swore out loud, the F word, loud, even with kids around, that's how painful it was. But I had to check on my son. He was hurting, but fortunately not as bad as I was.

My youngest, of course, was laughing. He had some pictures, none of my in the air unfortunately. Some others, though... I unbent my glasses. I was surprised when he told me I was bleeding. We limped back to the car, and on the way someone asked me (finally) if I was ok. I lied and said I was.

After a brief rest in the car, we left and went my my friend's house to deliver the last gift. There the boys played and had fun until the middle of the afternoon when I had to take them over to their mother's.

So, that was the good part of the day.

Yes, I hurt. Yes, I once again sprained my finger that I sprained in June and had just started to be able to use without pain a month ago. I can eat food if it isn't too tough. I can move my neck if I absolutely had to. But it was a glorious, legendary day. I loved it.

The Pros and Cons of Blogging (12/17/06)

2005-12-17T12:21:00.000-06:00

Blogs can be introspective monologues, but that means they lack the progress that a dialog between two or more people provides. They generally only contain what you can come up with on your own. There is a time for that, and there is a time for chatting.

Dating is such a... process. From what I read in between the lines of the women's profiles, evil ****heads have co-opted the terms that would describe those of us who are good people, so it is almost impossible to really put up a good profile. You end up sounding just like the guys who've burned the women you are best suited for. But, then what do you write?

The profile is almost irrelevant to what the relationship becomes. It is such a small set of words to describe a complex person. That being said, I knew from one profile I read that I wouldn't click with a particular woman. She had contacted me, I declined, she contacted me again, I relented. In the end, she judged me to be a manic depressive fool who couldn't see the value of her chosen pseudo-science if hit me in the face. Which is fine, because I can't see the value in taking seriously things such as copper bracelets, magnets, reflexology, Feng Shui, ghost-sightings, astrology, and so forth... Yes, you can have fun with them, but keeping an open mind doesn't mean you have to make it a trash can for every bit of intellectual garbage out there. A critical mind is a healthy mind.

You might think that this is harsh of me, and would somehow prevent me from ever getting along with anyone who disagrees with me. But that's the point - I at least know that I don't know everything. And that's common ground with some people that I disagree with.

Splashdown (12/13/06)

2005-12-13T12:18:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to do this for awhile... thanks J for finally prompting me to get off my ass and do it. Actually, it still took me 4 days to do it after deciding to do it. Don't get me wrong, it's not procrastination -- I'm just sick. And I've forgotten all the witty remarks I was going to start with.

So here we are, starting a new endeavour which seems at first glance to be pointless. An opportunity to show the world that there is one more glib and clever little human on this planet? Ah... I just like attention. Here goes...

So this has been a year of change in my life. I've ended a marriage, lost 30 pounds, gone up on a rooftop for the first time (taking a small step towards conquering my fear of heights), managed to get regular sleep for the first time in years, stepped into a head-coaching role on my son's soccer team, dated 6 women so far (2 of them making a huge impression on me), and most importantly, found out it was possible to actually be happy.

For a long time I thought I was a borderline depressive, unable to be happy or content for any length of time. Often I was sick, and when it came to sleep I either had neither quantity nor quality. Life not only sucked, but the majority of the last six years I was either a zombie or a somnabulist, whiling away the days until death would mercifully come. But then...

I changed my mind.

That's all it took. Well, that and making the changes, getting a decent bed (ok, *a* bed rather than sleeping on the floor), channeling my despair into exercise, reading, etc., etc.

Point is, I decided to try some change. It wasn't all easy, but it was definitely better. I've always been known for giving great advice (I think), but I'd never followed it myself before.

So here we are, 2005 almost over. Oddly enough, odd years are always better for me, even years are backsliding years. I don't know if that will hold this time around.

Let's find out...